I Hate To Embarrass My Mother, But…

Eddie Outlaw

Month: December, 2011

A Boy And A Dog

My father let me have a beagle puppy for my tenth birthday. He’d driven us in his Chevy pickup, down the gravel road, past Mammaw Outlaw’s house and along the levee to Red’s place. Having long since given up on making me a proper hunter, as I’d eschewed guns and the murder of anything but snakes, this puppy wouldn’t be a bird dog. Instead, Blueboy, as he came to be called by my mother, would serve only as my constant companion, as well as a huge financial burden to my father.

Red was a rather large man with red hair and a red face. He worked for Mr Randolf on the neighboring farm and did the occasional odd job for my father. Mr Tim, my father’s foreman and best friend, along with my father, had convinced Red that he was my father’s brother. Red, not being the most intelligent man in the Delta, kept this “family secret” only occasionally bringing it up when he needed money.

That crisp fall day, I squatted at the makeshift dog pen and studied each of the puppies. The momma beagle looked at me with sad eyes- or, at least that’s what I assumed- as if to say “I’m exhausted. Take all of these little bastards!” One pup made his way out of the pile and literally reached for me with his fat little paw, the other caught up in the chicken-wire. It was an easy decision to make, the puppy having chosen me, and I scooped him up and showered him with kisses.

This is the first dog I can remember bonding with. My father had owned a string of black labs that he took duck hunting, but they are vague memories to me, save but one shadowy image of a dog called Mike. Mother tells the story that she was hanging laundry out behind the “little white house” one afternoon. She turned her back, only for a moment, when she heard Mike squealing from pain. When she looked to see what all the fuss was about, she found my baby sister, Susan, had clamped down on Mike’s nose and was being dragged around the yard on her stomach, as he tried to back out of her bite. That dog eventually went to heaven, and he still had those bite marks.
Blueboy loved us each the same, but it was clear to all that I was his master. He’d sit, nose pressed against the glass of the sliding door that led to the patio, and whimper to me “Come outside and play! I wanna chase you some more!”

On cold evenings, there was a pile of old blankets and a space heater in the corner of the carport for Blueboy. He and my sister’s cats, Peanut butter and Jelly, would sleep in a wad, putting aside the fact that they were sworn enemies, until the next morning. Sometimes, before Pop came in from the fields, I’d sneak Blueboy into the house. We’d sit beside each other on the sofa, he propped up on his haunches. Mother entered the room once and announced “I do believe that dog thinks it’s a person. Is he watching Sanford and Son?” then went back to check on the cornbread in the oven. “Eddie,” she called from the kitchen “you’re fathers on his way. Better put Blueboy outside for the night.” I’d lead him to the patio door, kiss his head, then push him outside. He’d stay there, watching and whimpering, until we all went to bed.

This dog isn’t riding back there, Wallace.” then snatched the passenger side door open.

One Wednesday night, after having been to church, mother pulled into the carport and switched off the Oldsmobile. Pop pulled up behind us as we piled out of the car. From the storage room, I heard my Blueboy whimper. But this wasn’t the kind of call for me to play. No, this language was one of hurt and fright. I tried to get to him, but my father latched on to me with both arms and held me in my place. Mother ordered my siblings inside the house, shaking her head and fighting back tears.

Pop told me then, that he’d accidentally run over Blueboy that evening. The vet had come to see about him and decided there was nothing he could do and suggested that he be taken to Mississippi State where the veterinary school might take him on as a case. My father assured me that he was taking my Blueboy to Starkville the very next morning, then said “Son, you don’t need to see Blueboy like this.” That night, I lay in bed scared that he wouldn’t make it through the night. I was old enough to understand that it had been an accident, but I was still angry. If he died, I planned to never forgive my father.

The veterinary school took Blueboy on, as he’d suffered internal injuries but no broken bones. They stabilized him, warded off infection and bleeding, then began several surgeries to repair the membrane that separated his lungs and other internal organs. As days turned into weeks, he made steady progress, only suffering a few setbacks along the way. The teachers were amazed by his will to get better, telling Pop over the phone “Mr Outlaw, we’ve never seen an animal like Blueboy. He seems to be aware of everything that’s happening. He wants to go home.”

Money aside, my father’s “punishment” for almost killing my dog was having to suffer constant phone calls about Blueboy’s progress. Several times, my father was jolted from slumber by the phone on his side of the bed.

“Hello?” my father would mumble after finally finding the receiver in the darkness.

“Mr Outlaw? This is so-and so at State. We just wanted to let you know that we just got out of emergency surgery to stop some bleeding. Everything seems fine, for now.”

“Okay…” Pop replied, then hung up.

RING RING RING

“Hello?” Father answered.

“Mr Outlaw? This is whatchamacallit up at MSU. Blueboy is sitting up on his own and seems to be having normal bowel movements! Isn’t that great?”

“Uh-huh… Thank you…” then he’d hang up.

Later in life, my father told me that they’d called so often, he’d wondered why he hadn’t just had the dog put down. “Son, they just kept calling. I never got a good night’s sleep while Blueboy was in that hospital.”

Eventually the call came for us to fetch my beloved Blueboy. While we were in school that day, my parents made the drive to Starkville, planning to be home before the bus dropped us off. After settling up with the veterinary school, mother carried the dog out to Pop’s truck. He’d placed a box filled with blankets in the back for Blueboy. My mother stood, glaring at the box and then my father, “This dog isn’t riding back there, Wallace.” then snatched the passenger side door open.

“Bonnie, be sensible…” he tried to reason, but there was no use.

“Wallace, hand me one of those blankets, I’m holding this baby all the way home.” then kissed his nose. “I’m not letting him ride back there like some common animal. Get in the truck!”

My father, grumbling under his breath, turned the Chevy onto the highway and headed back towards Humphreys County.

Blueboy, groggy from sedation and weak, shifted his weight in my mother’s lap.

“Now, now sweet boy,” Mother said lovingly, “Hold still. We’ll be home soon, and Eddie-Man is waiting for you!” then kissed him again.

Then, to my mother’s horror, Blueboy let loose a free-flowing stream of diarrhea as he stood in her lap. My father could only yell “Cover his butt!” as he fought to get the truck to the shoulder of the road. As the tires squealed and brakes locked, my parents were both fighting against their gag reflexes, as the rancid waste continued to stream across the dash, splattering the windshield an puddling in the floorboard.

Mother barreled out first, dropping Blueboy in the box in the back, then proceeded to wretch the contents of her stomach on the side of the highway. Pop kept disposable towels in the back for cleanup, and used damn near the entire box to mop up the mess Blueboy had made. Once they’d regained their composure, they climbed back in the cab and started out again. Mother, occasionally convulsing at the smell, they rode all the way home with the windows down.

It took several weeks, but eventually Blueboy regained his strength and returned to being my constant companion, the massive scar on his belly the only clue he’d ever been sick. Eventually, he passed on of old age and my mother replaced him with a Cocker Spaniel, but no dog after Blueboy claimed my heart in quite the same way. I know it to be true: you can pick a dog, but it won’t always pick you.

The Fat Man And The Tiny Fire Extinguiser

Growing up in the Mississippi Delta, I noticed early on the divide between those who lived well and those that did not. One need only drive a mile or two to see a family as poor as any you’d ever want to meet. My family didn’t live an ostentatious lifestyle with yachts, thoroughbreds, stretch limos and such. To the contrary, my parents worked hard, like everybody else, Pop in the fields and my mother raising me and my siblings. Mother drove an Oldsmobile and shopped at Goldberg’s Department Store and Piggly Wiggly. Neither rich nor poor, my family was comfortable and I can’t remember a time when they didn’t reach out to those in need. “Nobody gets anywhere without a little help.” I’ve heard my mother say.

My mother was born one of seven in, by all accounts, a situation that was much less affluent, to say the least. In fact, I remember her telling me Santa brought her fruit one Christmas. This is at the heart of why The Giving Season was so important to my mother, I think. Where someone more fortunate would horde away their luck, my mother chose to spread it around. Knowing my father like I do, I realize now that they were a perfect match, this time of year especially. My father’s eyes never shone as bright as when he was overcome with the spirit of giving or in his wedding photograph.

On one particular Christmas Eve, before the big house was built, Lacey and I wiggled and squirmed on the sofa with that childish kind of nervous excitement. Susan must have been a toddler and Chris hadn’t even come to live with us yet. My father’s twin sister, Wilma, Uncle Pee Wee and our cousins ‘Chelle and “Rooter” were on their way down the old black-top road to our little white house. Several trips to and from the gravel driveway resulted in mounds of toys and food that would be hand delivered to a few needy families around the old home place. It’s the first time I can recall what became a yearly tradition: the Outlaws playing Santa Claus.

Everyone was glad to see the Outlaws, and the children squealed with delight

Years later, after my parents had built their dream home made of reclaimed timber, brick salvaged from our church’s old parsonage and cypress hand milled by my grandfather, our families would gather again. By now, I was old enough to drive and my cousins were home from college. Susan had developed into a pest and a tattletale and Chris was only just settling into his new home. Lacey, born on Christmas Eve and always overlooked, tried to remain gracious, but everyone knew she was feeling shorted on the whole birthday recognition end of things.

Our deliveries had been separated by families and sorted into piles around the vaulted great room, and Uncle Pee Wee stood there in a fancy new Santa suit Aunt Wilma had made. He sipped on coffee, the polyester beard down around his neck, and studied our handiwork.

“Wilma,” he said looking confounded “I think we’re missing some stuff.” and he took another sip.

“Hush, Pee Wee!” she chirped. That was her knee-jerk reaction whenever he spoke.

“Naw, I mean it, Wilma!” he replied. “Where’s that stuff from the dollar store? You know, the good stuff for Eva?”

There was a bit of head scratching and some pointing as Aunt Wilma ran down her list. Then, she conceded “Yep, you left a few things in the car, Pee Wee!” she said as she turned to my cousin. “Rooter, you and Lacey run out to the car and bring in Eva’s presents.”

Eva was the nanny that helped Mammaw Outlaw feed, clothe and discipline her seven offspring. By now, she was as old as Moses, her hands tough from years of work, her brown eyes tinged with a faded blue. She used to take my hand and begin to chuckle, “Ed-eh, when you was a a wee little thang, you was so scared-ah me!” she’d struggle to say through laughter, “You swo, up an down, that I was tha devil!”

Within seconds of hearing the backdoor shut behind my cousin and sister, there came from outside all manner of squealing and commotion, like nothing I’d ever heard before. Suddenly, everyone was on their feet, hustling to the backdoor. The wad of Outlaws, having funneled into the dining room had come to a stop, like cattle in a chute, as my mother, glaring out the window and clutching her face screamed “Wallace! The yards on fire!” this did little to loosen up the tightly packed cluster of Outlaws. In fact, we began bouncing off one another as we each tried to head off in different directions, like a flock of birds.

When we finally managed to untangle ourselves and made our way out back, it was plain to see that the fire had slowly crept across the backyard and was headed for the backside of the big house made of Pappaw’s cypress. Pop barked for someone to grab the hose, for mother to fetch the kitchen fire extinguisher and for me to move the cars.

My father had emptied the fireplace that evening and had dumped the ashes out back, on the other side of the barbed wire fence, the one that couldn’t keep the cows out of mother’s flower beds. It had been an unusually dry fall that year, and the embers from the fireplace had found new life in the dry grass of the pasture. By the time we knew it, the fire was halfway to the house.

One by one, I moved the cars and trucks to the plot of land beside the house, on the other side of the gravel driveway. Once inside the last, my father’s Ford pickup, I noticed how close the fire was to our gas pump, the truck sitting directly on top of where the large gas tank had been buried. The old diesel finally came to life and I kicked up a cloud of dust to rival the smoke billowing up around the house.

When I made it back to my family, the fire was almost out. The women were beating patches of flame with blankets, my father making slow progress with the hose and Uncle Pee Wee, scorched and covered in soot, was putting out the last of the embers with the kitchen extinguisher. The jacket had crawled up and over the pillow Aunt Wilma had strapped to his belly with a belt, the beard was caught on his nose and he stood in an awkward posture, trying to keep his britches above his thighs.

Once satisfied that the fire was out, the laughter came in waves, as did the telling of the fiasco from everyone else’s vantage point. All agreed that the funniest thing we’d seen all year was Uncle Pee Wee, surrounded by fire and dressed out in polyester, fighting to keep his ass covered.

Eventually we piled into our vehicles and began to make the rounds. First to Eva’s house, then to Robert and Sue Lard’s. Frank the gardener was waiting on the porch for us, as was Tillman and his entire family. Everyone was glad to see the Outlaws, and the children squealed with delight at the sight of Santa in his bright red suit.

As I’d done countless times before, I clung to Lacey or one of my cousins and watched the grownups handing out goodies, my heart full as I watched them hug each child, “I love you” slipping easily from their mouths to their little ears.

At the end of the night, having made our way back to the big house – all relieved to see it still standing – we opened our gifts to each other as Aunt Wilma snapped photographs. After they left, Pop slipped It’s A Wonderful Life in the VCR and mother warmed up some spiced tea, and we kids were allowed to open “just one” present from under the tree.

Susan and Chris were still young enough to expect a visit from Santa, and were eventually sent to bed. Lacey and I, having lost that childish kind of nervous excitement, found ourselves up late with my parents, recounting the night’s events, and once again taking in the lesson that everyone needs a little help from time to time. I understood very early on that, especially at Christmas, it would be foolish to miss an opportunity to help out. That’s something I think we all need to keep in mind, in this world of “haves” and “have nots.”

The Kitchen Tree, The Twitters And The Faceplace

The big house sat on a three acre plot surrounded by pasture and cotton fields. Every harvest season, as the pickers dumped their loads into the large trailers that would transport it to the gin to be processed, we’d cling to the sides of the trailer, waiting to dive into the cloudy mounds of cotton. Wilson, one of the “hands” that worked for my father, was a large black man with strong arms and a kind face. My sister and I would take turns being covered by the cotton and Wilson would quickly fish us out by our feet.

“Y’all gone smuthah up in dere, chillun!” he’d say as he plucked us up and tossed us on top of the freshly picked cotton.

Before the bare stalks were disced up and turned under, feeding the rich Delta soil, we’d be instructed to find the tallest most symmetrical cotton plant in the field. Once satisfied with our find, mother would hang the stalk upside-down in the garage to dry. It would remain there until thirteen days before Christmas.

Last Friday, after I’d finished up with a client, I checked the Twitters and found that I’d been dragged into another happening. This time, my friend Lori had posted a link to an article about an anonymous woman who’d paid off several layaway accounts at a Kmart in Indiana. A few of my Twitter pals had begun a conversation on how to do something like that in our home town. Eventually Lori threw out “I bet @TheEddieOutlaw would throw $20 in the hat…”

I sat for a moment, pondering how all this would work, then responded with “How ’bout I throw in all my tips from today?!?” which pretty much got the ball rolling.

Jackson Hairdresser Hospitalized After Bludgeoning A Client With Hairdryer

Jeff talked to the manager at a local WalMart and found out that the deadline for settling up layaway accounts was that night or everything was going back on the shelves. Knowing that some families wouldn’t be able to make that deadline, we began to shuck and jive, in hopes to help where we could.

Over the course of the next few hours, my friends and I took to the Twitters and the Faceplace and proceeded to badger people into helping us help other families pay off their Christmas layaway accounts. As the day progressed, one hundred dollars multiplied into over twelve hundred and it didn’t come from the wealthy folks I’d expected to influence. Instead, it came from donations of fives, tens and twenties from people in no better positions than my friends and myself.

That evening, Lori, Jeff and I met with the staff at WalMart and discussed just how the hell we were gonna pull this off. A plan evolved that had us picking families with children out of the long line of customers, a member of management would escort them to an office in the back, then we’d spring the surprise on them without anyone else knowing.

The reactions were genuine and priceless and ranged from silent tears of appreciation to all out jumping and yelling. I stood back and let Lori do all the talking, fearing that I’d get to emotional. It was during the commotion that we found out Wal Marts around town were extending the deadline in hopes that more could be done to ensure these families could get their gifts. We left there high on the spirit of giving, as if we’d crushed up and snorted Christopher Radko ornaments.

As we blew through The Stack, Lori and I were both on our phones with our mothers. She, having already told her mother what we were up to, relayed the stories about the laughter, hugs and the serious lack of a dry eye in that office. I, having teased my mother with a text that read “Y’all be sure to watch the news tonight!” had unknowingly put her in a tailspin. In her head, she’d gone from “Local Blogger Gets A Book Deal” to “Local Hairdresser Lands Spot On Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” then on to “Jackson Hairdresser Hospitalized After Bludgeoning A Client With Hairdryer.”

After I talked Momma off the ledge, I too shared the details of the spontaneous gesture, how the money multiplied and the good we’d done that very evening.

“Oh Son” she said, and I imagined her patting Pop’s knee “We’re gonna take our nap so we can stay up late and watch. I’m so proud.” I realized it was only six-thirty when I hung up.

“Momma got so worked up, she has to take a nap.” I said to Lori, then we both started plotting to repeat the fundraiser the next day.

Exactly thirteen days before Christmas, mother would bring the dried cotton stalk in from the garage. We watched as she carefully trimmed the roots and wedged it into the top of an antique butter churn that sat in front of the kitchen window. Mother had filled the house with many such items, preferring to call them “junktiques.”

We’d sit around the big cypress trestle table and poke cloves into apples and oranges and make cinnamon bundles. All were carefully hung from the dried cotton plant with ribbon from the dollar store that mother finished off by curling with her kitchen shears. After the kitchen tree was completed, mother would arrange forty-eight small packages under the tree. On the next twelve mornings, we’d all open one, nothing extravagant, “Just a happy!” mother would say, and then we’d be off to school. I got my first non-disposable razor under the kitchen tree, but there were also fun treats like a deck of UNO cards or a pack of cassettes to make my coveted mix-tapes.

I learned from very early on about the joy of giving from my parents. Big or little, desperately needed or not, it was considered foolish to miss the opportunity to help someone. And so, in that spirit – for me, at least – we’d all conspired to help someone, wether they needed it or not.

We continued our efforts the next day, all of us posting and re-tweeting our followers into a frenzy, and by the time the sun set on Sunday evening, thirty families had been helped. Thirty families means an unknown number of smiling children on Christmas morning, after about thirty minutes of planning.

“Next year,” Lori said enthusiastically “we start early and go big!” I wholeheartedly agree.

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